(I mean, are you excited now? Because I am.)
So I’m writing a new script, and it’s so much more exciting than almost anything else in my life right now. More fun than finishing June (Although I was working on it last night and was so happy that I still like the movie – I still like it! Amazing!). Certainly more fun than any audition that pops up.
I love starting new things. This is me in my happy place – with coffee and a notebook. Gathering books and scripts (some include Tiny Beautiful Things by Sugar AKA Cheryl Strayed (random fact- I wrote/directed/acted in a play in high school with my friends called “Beautiful Radiant Things”) and While We’re Young by Noah Baumbach and Lovely and Amazing by Nicole Holofcener). The hardest part is finding the logline (the main 1-2 sentence description that gets to the heart of the movie). I have to know what exactly the movie is about first.
But before I do that, I have to dig through ideas. I do a lot of random writing around what I think my themes are. I write a lot of questions to myself (one question I asked recently about a lead character: “Has she ever used Match.com? She’s scanned it.”). I’m finding irony. I’m listing possible character names (and trying to stop myself from creating any more characters – I’ve already got two leads and four supporting characters who are all very important…whyyyyyyy do I write so many characters??).
I’m not going to say what the movie is about specifically, but I’m definitely interested in how the internet has become a place and how our awareness of ourselves and how we appear to the world has changed. That’s vague. But I’m going to keep it vague until the script is written.
It’s fun though. Maybe because it’s relatively low pressure (actually that’s probably exactly what makes it so much easier than shooting or editing…). And I also know I don’t want to direct this one. It’s for someone else’s hands. My dream right now is to play one of the smaller roles and have some other, more experienced director shoot this one. Maybe I’d be a producer. But that’s just a thought I’m tossing around at this point.
It’s funny. I had a really bad couple days recently. The reasons were boring, as they usually are, but, as always, I started going down the rabbit hole of doubting this whole filmmaking path, doubting acting, and really doubting LA. Honestly, these are all daily doubts, small flickers in the back of my brain, but on bad days they flare up and can get really sickening.
The truth is that the direction I’ve been walking in for so many years now is the right one, but I’ve just never had proof to the outside world. I was just writing quietly for so long. I hope June is a little bit of proof, imperfect though it is, that I’m really trying to do something here. I’m not sitting around and dreaming. I can’t afford that anyway. I have no money to speak of, no accolades, no one is begging me to star in the next big picture. I’ve just kept my head down and worked.
And now that June is finishing up, well, it’s back to that same kind of work. It’s quiet, steady work that gets the job done. Studying other stories and trying to get better. Accepting that now that I’ve made my first feature, I finally know how to make it – but I can’t. It’s already finished.
So….I’m just following the excitement to the next thing. Keeping on with the day jobs and trying to build the day around what really matters. That’s a whole other topic.
I’m just laying down bricks. More and more bricks. And I might not want to do this path forever (LA is strange, I don’t love movies every day, and proving yourself is exhausting and stupid), but that’s all right. For now, I have another couple more movies in me, and I’ll be here, following the excitement. Because it’s not about the proof, it’s about the work, the coffee and the notebook. That’s how June started, after all.