Hello from the other side..of Thanksgiving (ugh, that derned song). Hope yours was spectaculous. (I accidentally wrote that word, and then decided, yes.) Ours was pretty awesome – we spent it in Portland with my mom and brother where we ate, drank, hiked, and bookshopped very well indeed. It was my kind of heaven. Coffee + beer + brunch + donuts + hiking + books = heart attack for Rebecca.
It really was just what the doctor ordered. I needed some perspective. I needed to be in a world that’s better suited to me. Because, surprise surprise, LA and I have not been the best of friends lately. I’ve just not been having it, and it’s been affecting everything. My attitude, my productivity, my inspiration to live in general. You know, the basics. And I don’t mean to be such a meanie on this city – it’s honestly really great and a lot of fun a lot of the time (it’s what you make of it after all), but it’s not a perfect fit for me and sometimes keeping a positive attitude in the wrong city is just exhausting.
But here I am (not, say, hmmm Colorado or Prague), so here I must learn to thrive. It was good to step away and say, okay, I’m not crazy – the mountains and seasons and book people are a better fit – BUT if I’m going to be in LA I have to be here or leave. Simple as that. Because I just made a movie in Wisconsin – ain’t no reason I couldn’t make another one in Wisconsin. I gotta make it count – because ideally (maybe it’s a dream, but I’m trying anyway) I want to make movies and not live in LA. (and people I love do it! Richard Linklater’s in Austin! Lynn Shelton’s in Seattle! How do they do it?? I don’t know, but I’m gonna figure it owwwt!)
So I’m giving myself a good kick in the behind right now. Because, once again, after that last push to get June ready for the screening, the months following were full of sickness, mild depression, and very little inspiration. And here’s the part where I get up again.
So what needs to be done? Oh, I don’t know, everything.
I want June out in the world. I’m working on a website, I’m starting on our perks (!), we’ve got a poster I’d like to reveal verrry soon once the site is done, I’m pondering a twitter handle. (oh and p.s. we’re on IMDb..!) I am wrestling with the new script (there are so many details and ideas I can hardly keep it straight and I’m currently fumbling for the main emotional through line. Today all I did was organize and color code my thoughts in a Word document. Part-ay). I’m also reckoning with myself as an actor; I have new headshots and am finally studying how to do this thing. It’s completely terrifying, by the way.
I’m just genuinely trying to step back from my life and my muddled brain, and say, okay, are you really trying? Because the answer has been no, and that’s been a little depressing.
I don’t know how often other people do this (or maybe you all don’t need to??), but if I don’t question just how hard I’m trying, I completely slack off. I let myself watch movies lazily for “research” and I flit around on blogs and Tumblr instead of write. But I can tell when I need to push harder. I get itchy and angry. And I’ve been that way lately. Portland helped. The fresh air, the pine trees, and, let’s be honest, the microbrews, fixed quite a lot of what was wrong.
Because the truth was that I wanted both – I wanted to make movies despite also wanting the better lifestyle (and cheaper rent!) of a smaller, woodsier, less expensive city than LA. So, thank you Portland for being awesome and very plaid, and thank you LA for being a place full of likeminded crazy filmmakers. Someday I’ll bridge the gap and create a lifestyle that fits me better, but in order to get there, man oh man I gotta get to work.