We’ve officially been working on this movie for over two years now. Insane. It’s hard to believe that in February of 2014 we started casting.
Sometimes it feels like waking up out of a dream and realizing that 1) we made a movie and 2) an awful lot of life has passed by while doing so. And also 3) man, have I watched a lot of TV in these past two years.
Oooh, that feels embarrassing. But it’s true, oh my, is it true.
So, almost every one of these blog posts over these past years has been essentially, “wow, I am like so stressed I’m going to pull out all of my hair” or “I am so uncomfortable with editing myself in a movie” or “I have no idea what I’m doing but somehow I’m surviving yes I am.”
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been really uncomfortable making this movie. Directing, being in charge, raising money, acting every day on set, then sitting down to look at and listen to myself while editing has been so deeply uncomfortable. And then the pressure of people watching through social media and asking about the movie has been so itchy for me as a person who usually prefers to do things and not be seen.
So – I’ve watched a lot of TV in a way that I would call self-medicating. Mind you, it’s not lying around and staring blankly into the laptop, though there’s usually an hour of that at the end of the day (even at the end of every shoot day, we’d watch part of an episode of South Park to turn off the movie in our minds). Usually it’s while cooking, washing dishes, cleaning, or even doing yoga. Usually it’s been one a day.
Mostly frothy, mostly light TV shows. I realized this pattern because I most recently started up, gulp am I admitting this okay I am, Gilmore Girls. Unh-huhhh. Yep. TV show of my early teen years (I was two years younger than Rory). And I’ve been thinking to myself, while listening to the witty, soothing, ridiculous banter of the show set in the small town of the Warner Brothers lot while washing dishes and folding laundry, do I even like this?
I do. I do! It’s such a creative show. But it’s more than that. It’s really been about comfort and sweetness and low stakes (and nostalgia for watching with my mom when I was fourteen with takeout Chinese) in a time where I am so, so uncomfortable and nervous that everything I’ve worked on will just disappear into nothing once all of the work is over.
So, I’ve indulged in TV shows. I went through I believe four seasons of The Office and one seasons of Orange is the New Black while shooting June. I went through all of Parks and Recreation, Sex and the City, New Girl, 30 Rock while editing. Sometimes I’d check in with some Real Housewives, but it’d get me kind of depressed. What else…Louie, Maron. At night, Irwin and I have gone through House of Cards, Better Call Saul, Togetherness, Girls (to Irwin’s credit, he’s all about Game of Thrones).
And, granted, TV is way better than it used to be. But it’s more in my life than ever before.
I’m escaping from creating escapism.
And you know that other filmmakers (okay, make that real filmmakers, I don’t feel like I count as one yet to be honest) have to do this. I’m a particularly awkward and self-aware person, but other people have to self-medicate with TV (or with something!) too right?
Anyway. Confession over. In a few weeks, post-production will be finished. And I’m hoping that once we start showing this movie more, I’ll let some of this uncomfortableness go. Until then, I will be checking in to see what the girls of Stars Hollow are up to while freaking out over the last details of the movie and as my blood boils and my brain fries.
I mean, cool, no problem, see you later!! :-)