So I drew some tarot cards yesterday morning that I found pretty interesting. Check ’em out:
Three of Arrows Jealousy + The Archer.
Essentially, if you’re jealous, quit it already and aim for something and stay focused. Eh?
I have to confess: I get really really viciously jealous at times. I get so frustrated with where I’m at, with my shortcomings, with the flaws of what I’ve made, the flaws of myself, with my apartment, with my old clothes, everything. Being in the film world is not comfortable. There’s an obsession (too much of an obsession) with appearances: with looks, with marketing gloss, with polish, with 4K (we like 2K to be honest, but that’s another story), with step and repeats, with contouring makeup, with branding. And we all fall for it. I fall for it. It looks easy, it looks slick, everyone’s stampeding toward whatever’s hot right now, using the trending hashtag just to be noticed. And where do I fit in? Do I fit in? (Answer: not really, but that’s okay)
It’s all a distraction from the best part, which is making the movie, writing the script, acting the scene. And so on. (Although there’s an awful lot of people where the point is the red carpet. I can’t understand that – there’s nothing further from filmmaking than the parties and bs surrounding film premieres)
I’m a competitive person. I mean, I’m laid-back and I’m rooting for everyone who’s pursuing this film thing with integrity. But I also have a secret chip on my shoulder that’s definitely spurring me on.
I don’t want to invite you into my therapy but man it’s hard to stay in your own lane, keep your eyes on your own page, all that. I look at my website compared to other films’ websites (films with actual budgets for web design), I look at my old shoes compared to the other girls’ shoes, my apartment compared to Intagram apartments, heck, just the quality of my photos being on an iPhone 4 handed down from my mom compared to everyone else’s photos.
It’s too much. I get tired. And that’s when I know I need to unplug and look at real life.
Yesterday we went to the beach on Father’s Day. It was perfect, perfect, perfect. There were families around us having nice afternoons. Kids chasing birds and building castles. And I missed my family on our Florida vacations. I missed the dynamic of having a dad. I guess I’m jealous of a lot of things. Like living near your family or having your whole family alive. But mostly it was a good reality check.
You can only work with what you have. I know I don’t fit into LA, but I like that about myself. I’m stubbornly interested in integrity over flash. I purposefully wanted June to feel homemade and I like that about it. And yet I’m definitely wanting to shoot higher and higher with the next films. I guess you have to just be patient. And stick around. Keep your eyes on your own page.
So, a new day begins, a new week. And I can work on my script and chill out about the competition. Because as far as I can tell, the exact kind of movies I want to make really aren’t being made. So the competition isn’t even real. Only I can make the movies that are in my head. I suppose that’s why I’m out here. Not to become an LA Actress/Producer/etc. but to find ways to make the movies I want to see.
I’ll admit, I’m tired. Our Door County trip cannot come soon enough (next week!) But nonetheless, let’s keep going, shall we?
ps I want to make a short film in Joshua Tree this fall.